Plans

A quote from Grey's Anatomy by vet, Dr. Finn Dandridge:


Liz was my wife. When she died, you do this thing where you stop making plans because you had plans and there was a car crash and your plans dissapear. I just try to get from sun up to sun down. That's as far into the future as I can handle and I've been fine with that, I have, but right now, looking at you, damn, I have all kinds of plans.

I've been watching Grey's Anatomy from the beginning lately (thank you Netflix Instant Streaming) and this quote jumped out at me when I heard it the other day because I can completely relate.

Plans. Ugh. I've had to cancel plans left and right and presently I'm at the point where I have stopped making them, at least for now. I know that'll change, but for the time being, like Finn said, it's sun up to sun down and that's as far as I can see. 

Serenity

After hearing some wholly disappointing news yesterday, I forced myself to say The Serenity Prayer, and mean it.

It took me a few minutes to speak aloud the short prayer, but like I said, I didn't want to simply recite it, I wanted to speak it honestly.

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change;

I let the tears flow down my cheeks as I slowly uttered this first line, and paused to let myself welcome acceptance. Lately, I've been putting too much energy into being angry at the things that I cannot change, namely, my own issues with pregnancy, jealousy of others' pregnancy, and most recently, the instigator of the prayer and this post, a choice a family member made regarding pregnancy that I do not agree with. 

Dwelling on that which is unchangeable will drive a person mad. I need to take my own advice that I lately gave to my brother-in-law regarding a particularly crushing break-up: "Go ahead and mope, cry about it, feel how painful it is, and then pick yourself up and start to move on. Pretend to have fun. Pretend everything is okay. You may end up having fun by accident, and eventually everything will be okay." I've done my share of moping and crying about the things in my life which I cannot change; it is time to have some accidental fun and allow it to heal me. I do admit, as I've said in the past, that each new pregnancy and birth announcement is a fresh jab at the heart, but I can't allow myself to dwell on them. Maybe it is okay if I feel the initial sting of the good news, as long as I heed my own counsel and only allow it to bitterly occupy my emotions for a fraction of the time I've allowed for it in the past. It's time to accept that bitterness and anger will not change my past or my present situation.

Once I felt I'd started the prayer truthfully, I finished the rest of it and felt some of the disappointment wash away. I still don't agree with the choice she made, but (un?)fortunately I don't have to. 

I must remember to say this prayer sincerely to set myself at ease during times of hardship and disappointment, and accept those things I cannot change.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.