Range of Emotions

Sorrowful. Angry. Jealous... Scared. Will any of these emotions lead me down the path to healing?

Sorrowful

It goes without saying that I'm sad. I've had two unsuccessful pregnancies; no one expects me to be happy. When I think about it, which is every second of every day, sure I'm sad, but when I let myself reflect deeply on what happened, I feel real sorrow. It's not something I allow myself to do often; I have to get on with my life and attend to the many joys that remain. But now is one of those times I'm letting myself, no, making myself, feel what has happened by organizing my emotions into sentences. I'm sad because I let my husband down because my body didn't respond properly to pregnancy. I know he doesn't blame me, but I also know his hopes we're extinguished the same time as mine. It makes me sad to think about the Christmas I had already started to imagine with a one month old and know that this year it is not destined to be. Sorrow is a natural response to loss. I hope the tears I already have and will shed cleanse me of the inevitable sorrow, preparing me for a brighter tomorrow.

Angry

It's a stage in the grief cycle, but will it help me heal? So far it seems to darken my day not help me to be happy. And isn't that what the goal is? To find happiness? But I'm angry with the world. It's cruel, it's unfair, it's unfamiliar. I'm angry with myself for letting my guard down. I knew this was a possibility, in fact I was no stranger to the possibility, but I let myself hope this time would end differently. I'm angry because people pity me, but I don't want to talk about it, or I do and they're not asking the right questions.

Jealous

What a hateful, hateful emotion. I should be happy for people who have everything they've dreamed of. In fact, I've been one of those people for most of my life. Overall, I still am. There's just one missing piece that is overwhelming the other joys these days and when I see those who have that piece I am jealous. The jealousy started a long time ago, before I really knew what I was missing out on. I would hear that a friend, acquaintance, coworker... whoever, was pregnant and little by little the excitement I used to feel upon hearing such news began to sour, eventually to be replaced completely by jealousy. How could they be pregnant by accident when I've been trying for over a year without success?! They aren't even married, or haven't been married as long as I have, or already have one child! Jealousy. I had it mastered. But then it was my turn. I finally had the missing piece to complete my happiness! Those 9 weeks of pregnancy were the best weeks of my life. I knew excitement, joy, and hope, unaware that it would be so brief; I would be robbed of the exhilarating 9 months I had anticipated. I had my first miscarriage and the jealousy returned. But this time it was worse. It was worse because I knew I was being selfish. I knew that the very people I was jealous of were at the happiest points of their lives; I knew this because I had just been there. How can I begrudge another, a friend, someone I care about, the happiness and anticipation I know come along with a positive pregnancy test? Doesn't everybody deserve to be happy? Don't they? Don't I?

Scared

I didn't know I would be scared with the second pregnancy, but I was. It was tainted by my first experience being pregnant. The first time I miscarried I was in a meeting, in a room full of people. It was public, embarrassing, frightening. I was constantly afraid during the second pregnancy that I could miscarry again. Now that the test results confirm my fears, the knowledge does not set me at ease; I am even more afraid. Afraid because I know it is going to happen and I have to wait for it. Because it could be public again, while I'm teaching, spending time with my friends or family, or worse, it could happen when I'm all alone and at my most vulnerable. The waiting is the most frightening part. Not only am I scared for the present, but I'm scared for the future. Now that it has happened twice, what will keep it from happening again?

Healing

I know this will pass. But I need to spend some time feeling the emotions that accompany loss in order to heal and find the strength to move forward. This past weekend, at the Easter Vigil mass, the priest said that when we pray for strength, God doesn't overwhelm us with grace. He gives us just the amount we need to get through it. And I know I will get through it. I have to believe that this is a part of His plan, a plan I am not privy to, but that has my best interests at heart.